Last week, my Mother in Law told me that as a Mother, she made mistakes. And she also told me that I would be a better Mother than my own, and one day, Elodie would be even better than myself.
It was in this conversation that I began to understand the path of self-awareness that we take as parents. One day we are just ourselves, and that is enough. Then they place a new baby in your arms, and all of a sudden every flaw and insecurity you have in yourself is illuminated to the thousandth degree. Will we ever be good enough, in our own eyes?
Somewhere along the path of life, these little things watch and grow from us, their Mothers.
When I was a little girl, I wanted so badly to be my Mom. Not yet conscience of my acts - pretending to cook and smash berries and leaves in the backyard with a rock. Carrying around tiny shovels and learning to grow a green thumb.
I was already practicing to become my Mom, who I both desperately wanted to impress, and become at the same time.
I know now, that raising a little girl is not as simple as waving gardening gloves and kitchen knives, and somehow yielding a well-rounded young woman from it. It's about looking down into your own flaws and failures, and trying to change them so your child doesn't see, and mimic those same acts. Wishing they won't be the worst parts of you.
I see my flaws on the open, innocent face of Elodie. Hoping that she will be better, hoping she doesn't see through my daily struggle to do so. For the little girl that will one day grow up to become a better version of myself.
Happy Mother's Day.
To my Grandmother, who mothered with her love and natural instinct over everything else. Who rocked me to sleep in the same way she rocks Elodie, these days.
To my Mom, the most important woman I know. Who held her own flaws like deep rooted secrets but was so open as a book that I read her, anyway. My inspiration and every desire to one day have babies of my own, and start over this whole messy process of life.
To my sister. Who was the night to my day difference, both as little girls, then women, and now, both Mothers. Our stark contrast in personality teaches me moderation, and patience in our differences.
To my Mother in Law. Who once reminded me that no matter how much I feel like I will let Elodie down and can always do better as her Mom, she will grow up one day and not carry the same hot coals of disappointment in tight-clenched fists. She will know I did my best.
And to me, on my first Mother's Day.
Precious Elodie, I carried you in my heart my entire life, in my body for 9 months, and I will carry you through every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. You are my everything.